1. What do you get when you cross the Godfather and a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand 

2. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. 

3. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water. 

4. What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. 
What is the definition of a "crying shame"? A: There was an empty seat on the bus. 

5. How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? A: Never enough. 

6. Have you heard about the lawyer's word processor? A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print. 

7. What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? A: With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside! 

8. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A: A lobotomy. (Friends don't let friends become lawyers). 

9. What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? A: One's a bottom-dwelling scum sucker and the other's just a fish. 

10. Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. 

11. What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common? A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being. 

12. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A: From chasing parked ambulances. 

13. Where can you find a good lawyer? A: In the cemetery 

14. Why does the American Bar Association prohibit sex between a lawyer and their clients? A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.